I am a mother. To two beautiful girls that I love with all my heart (and I hope they love me back lol). But I struggle to find happiness on Mothers Day.
For a long time, I wondered if I would ever hit publish on this post. It has been sitting in my ‘drafts’ folder since 2016. But I am ready. I understand that many people went through the same and much worse situations relating to their mothers. This is just my story. Writing for me is a form of therapy. And if I reach just one person that feels the same and can make them feel not so alone then I am thankful.
I remember the excitement in primary school, leading up to mothers day. The special mothers day craft, events and those ever so popular mothers day stalls. The excitement was everywhere. All my friends spoke of what they were making their mums for breakfast or where they would go for lunch. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t recreate that ‘perfect’ mothers day at home for my mum.
My mother struggles with severe mental health issues and addiction.
I understand that many people went through the same or much worse situations relating to their mothers. This is just my story.
I think I love my mum. Not in the traditional way but a mother/child connection way. It hurts that I can’t connect with her in the way that so many other people can with their mothers. I don’t feel that warm, safe love when I am around her or when she holds me. There aren’t times when I yearn for her guidance or approval. And I no longer possess that childlike desire to do everything within my power to make her feel joy and happiness.
I do have memories of her being happy and beautiful. Gosh, I thought she was so beautiful. She would cook the most delicious meals and when she hugged me, she really hugged me. But now when we see each other I feel uncomfortable, nervous, anxious and cold. On the rare occassion that she does instigate physical affection, it feels planned, foreign and forced. And these days when my mum comes to my mind I feel cold, sad, angry and alone.
2017 marks my 4th mothers day.
But we have never really celebrated the day, probably for a number of reasons. Firstly, I’ve never encouraged the day to be celebrated. It feels foreign, I don’t really know how to celebrate it. And I have no idea how to communicate those feelings to my husband. Secondly, though I would love to be celebrated and I strongly believe mothers are truly amazing and deserve to be made a fuss of. I have a lingering feeling that I don’t deserve this kind of special treatment. And lastly, I am afraid. I am afraid of creating a celebration that, in fact, will create sad or negative memories for my girls when they are grown.
Mums that celebrate mothers day with their families, thank you. Thank you for sharing your day with me, whether it’s via social media or through our face to face conversations. It makes me feel so happy when I hear about your mugs, dressing gowns, pj’s, cups of tea and countless hugs and kisses. Each year I watch you (in a totally non-creepy way lol) and hope that I can work through my personal issues with mothers day and create a happy celebration for my family.
How do you and your family celebrate mothers day? Let me know in the comments. Next year I would love to try and implement some of these ideas so I can work on creating happy memories with my girls.